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Archive for June, 2012

The Age of Worry, by John Mayer

Close your eyes and clone yourself

Build your heart and army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where your darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And sing Worry, why should I care?

No you fight is not within
Yours is with your timing
Dream your dreams but don’t pretend
Be friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You’re allowed to do it
‘Cause God knows it’s been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And sing Worry, why should I care?

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And sing worry, get out of here!

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Updates

This semester was a whirlwind, a fast-paced adventure of the best kind, as evidenced from the fact that I didn’t rush to the blog in moments of panic and despair.  I started my senior year this January with “senior spring,” getting the best of both worlds: all the camaraderie and revelry of my last semester without the pressure of a thesis deadline or the bittersweetness of leaving Harvard.

I achieved a lot of things this semester that I thought were impossible or that seemed like the distant future during my cancer treatment. I was appointed again to the Senior Staff of the Harvard Band, this time as Drum Major, in a rare opportunity only afforded to me by my illness: most seniors can’t fulfill the November-November term, but I was appointed in February as a replacement for someone else, and I’ll be around until November.  I loved being on Senior Staff before, but I never fully got to enjoy it because 2010 was the year that I was sick/going through treatment.  Another thing I’ve achieved: graduation! (The ceremony, that is.  No diploma for me yet!)  Pardon the cliche, but Commencement 2012 was absolutely magical.  The band trumpeted triumphantly, the time spent with friends was unriveled in my college career, and the love of Harvard and its community grew tremendously.  I’m immersed in appreciation for that place and for my time there, and I look forward to this summer and fall.  I’ve started thinking more about post-college plans, and I really want Harvard and Cambridge to be a part of my life in the future.  More thoughts on that this summer.  Oh, and I’ve started my thesis, and will be (hopefully) finishing it this summer.  Wish me luck!

I didn’t lapse much into fears of failure or fatality: I worried, as I am wont to do, but nothing out of the ordinary.  I’m a bit nervous now, because it’s June, the month of bad memories and creeping doubts.  Being at home reminds me of the waiting, the unknowns and the fears and the hysterics of waiting to be diagnosed properly.  And when I’ve been home this week, it’s a lot like waiting: I had nothing to do at home, really, except pack for my trips to Quebec and North Carolina, and get my scan done. I did the scan this morning (drank contrast like a champ!) and I get the results in a week and a day.  I have no reason to believe anything’s wrong, but each milestone makes me worry.  I’ll be happy if I can say that I’m a year and a half in remission.

I just found out a classmate from high school died today… don’t know the details, but that’s been another sobering reality that’s instilled a lot of fear. And my fears are escalating a bit, because I’ll be taking four flights this week, my first flights alone, ever, and my second trip since 9/11.  I’ve been afraid of flying ever since, but I don’t want to be stopped by fear.  (As my friends and I say, only half in jest: YOLO!)  Which is why my trip is to First Descents, a cancer survivorship program that offers free week-long adventure trips.  I’ll be white-water kayaking in North Carolina, which should force me to face some fears as well.  Hopefully, I’ll be reporting from NC daily (or at least keeping journals that I can post retroactively).

Other things on the horizon for me: figuring out post-grad plans (taking the GRE? applying to fellowships? scheduling an appointment at Career Services?) and possibly egg-harvesting this summer.

Lots of important things I’ve done and are looking forward to doing, and no way to account for them all here, in one measly blog post.  But I hope to revive my writing this summer… not all survivorship writing has to be doom-and-gloom.

For now, I’ll sing what John Mayer told me to sing:

Worry, get out of here!

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Age of Worry

John Mayer’s new album, Born and Raised, has a great sorry about fear, strength, and growing up.  It’s one of the many new songs fit for a graduation speech, but it avoids the synthesized and autotuned style and comes across as truly sincere.  It reads like a mantra, and it’s easy to sing along.

 

 

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart and army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where your darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And sing Worry, why should I care?

Know your fight is not within
Yours is with your timing
Dream your dreams but don’t pretend
Be friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You’re allowed to do it
‘Cause God knows it’s been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And sing: Worry, why should I care?

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And sing: Worry, get out of here!

Read Full Post »